“Native Son” Disappoints Hometown


Ben Bryant of Plainview, TX has always been the shining light of his small hometown. “He was our high school quarterback, he worked hard on his dad’s farm, and he always made good grades…. but, not so high of grades so high that he was showing off,” says Suzy Baker. After high school, Ben went to college, graduated, and became an accountant in Dallas. Everyone expected Ben to return to Plainview after he graduated, but he settled down in a high rise condo in Uptown Dallas. “He just left us and went all city. He sold us out! I heard from someone that he no longer wears cowboy boots, and he now drives a sedan…. Not, a Ford or GMC pickup, but a little girly sedan.. Worst of all, a friend of a friend told me that they saw him on Facebook drinking a mixed drink instead of a Bud Light. It’s unbelievable. His dad drank Bud Light… And his grandfather drank Bud Light.” Ben has been shocked by the unrest. “I don’t know why they didn’t see this coming. I always wore Guess jeans and loafers in highs school. I threw so many touchdowns for that town…So disappointing.” Update: Now that Mayor Bill’s son has come out as gay, everyone has forgotten about Ben “selling out,” and they love seeing him when he comes home for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

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